hello all...lol, i know the title seems to be mysterious or just flat out weird....lol, i bet all my titles are weird...i always try to have some deep meaning to them...nothing casual for me...i was thinking about that, among many other things before starting this post....i know i've been posting a lot...its not like i didn't have much to say before, its just now i make time for it, and i want all the people that i am not physically close to to know my mind, i guess...to be heard...one of the cries of our heart, that everyone has....god can only fill that hole, but people have a part to play in that as well....anywhoo, on to the post....today was an awesome sunday....i woke up at the usual time to get my quiet time and word time in with god and was kind of anxious to see this day come to fruition...i was not feeling the best, as i caught a little something from one of the bboys at hanyang university, who was feeling under the weather...

(by the way this has nothing to do with anything that is relevant here, but i listen to last samurai (mostly) or other inspiring music when writing my post...just wanted to say that....guess i just wanted it to be known lol)...these posts seem like a complete random spilling of my brain onto cyber-paper....oh well...back on track now silly haha....so, my nose was running nonstop and my throat was/is a little soar...oh well, being sick is a part of life...even though i would never admit that i am, because it feels like speaking death over myself...yea, so my reason for being excited about today was that i was going to go back to my old church that i used to go to when i came here during the summer of 2006...

so i figured to get there on time i would need to leave and hour in advance....WRONGGG (just like that baby in the video, right josh)....sorry that i use josue edith saintil as a backboard for a lot of my inside info/jokes, but its because in tally after kris/matt left, he was the person i shared my mind with the most....so he pretty much knows my thoughts, even when i don't speak them and etc...so i was late getting there...and when i got there the door was locked, much to my surprise!!!....i cursed myself for getting there late and not being on time, but i thought to myself why would the door be locked??...i know that when i used to go there, they would have service basically all day, and at least a few people would be there at all times during that period...so i started to think all sorts of crazy things...like did they all die? or were they all kidnapped? were the neighbors in on it? is that why when i asked this lady who looked like she was dressed for church for information, she ignored me like i wasn't even there?

well, i thought to myself, (finally), maybe they moved....dang, lol, and i didn't know where...that soured my whole day...being so excited to see them yet getting there and having NO ONE be there.....man, i figured my plan for the day would change to just sulking/hanging out in that area, eating lunch and dinner there too, in the slim chance that i would happen upon someone who goes to that church...well, i decided to go to the love church across the street and see if they just changed the name and moved across the street....lo and behold, one of the members walked up to me (this time was before the service started) and asked me what the dealio was?

 i explained that i wanted to know what happened to the dule hana church, and he took me to a lady who explained to me the new directions of the church...then the pastor came, corrected the wrong directions, and i was off on my way (lol, i did think in the back of my mind that the guy was gonna up and give me a ride, but seeing that this was not gonna happen, i was more than happy to take the adventurous route of finding the church myself)...(for those of you that don't know me too well, i love being independent and doing things myself, taking a pride in it, so that thought was thrown out without me becoming angry or even the least bit bothered)...

so i walked there, trying to find the landmark sk service station...turns out it was 2 hills, not the one that i expected from the directions...but that was all good...anyway i was just about to walk past the place when this lady gave me a pamphlet...i was just about to tell her that i was alright, when i looked up and it was the dure hana church....god works in ways i don't understand lol...it was awesome...so i walked upstairs, excited and anticipating...when i got there i saw a huge area, way bigger than the last church area....and the winding stairs reminded me of final fantasy 7 in that place where sefiroth went crazy...i sat down and just listened to the sermon....well, more like gleaned, cuz it was all in korean...but the person next to me told me he knew me....that i was seong gyeol's friend....i was a bit shocked...but i figured he told him who i was....i'll go ahead and list the main character's of this story they are:

hyun hwa, the girl who i met in the u.s. at the smaller korean church (josh remember hunny bun) and her boyfriend seong gyeol, whom i met through her when he visited the u.s. for about two weeks one time....make to the story....

i was listening to the sermon when i looked to my right and saw hyun hwa's mom...i was like ohhhh....momma...i waited until after the sermon was over, and then i went about reintroducing myself to people i hadn't seen in a while....it wass reallyyy good seeing them again...only i noticed one thing....seong gyeol and hyun hwa were not there....one of my previous suspicions, only far off (but right in only one sense), was true, that they went to a different church...the reason they left, which i figured i knew (i was right about at least one, maybe the main one maybe not, i don't know)had to be found out, but i will get to that later...someone told me seong gyeol went to a different church, and his sister called him up for me and we scheduled to meet there...so i practiced worshipping with them...they welcomed me in with open arms....

there were a lot of new faces and peeps to meet...it was good practicing worship, even though at times i could not read the lyrics to the songs fast enough....after that we sat down to have lunch, after everybody else had eaten....on the way to go eat, i asked about hyun hwa, and found out that she got married!!!!...i was soo shocked, but i kind of had a sick feeling about it....i just freaking knew it!!!....i just hoped for the best, cuz i just wanted it to be seong gyeol sooo bad...when i asked and his sister said that it wasn't i wanted to die!!!....(even as i sit here writing this now, i am crying because it saddens my heart to find out they are not married...dern it!!!).....i had no time to sulk there, as we ate and chatted (truth be told i did not accept it, so it didn't hit me at that point)....(sorry...crying again....)....ok, back....well, i ate lunch with them, and it was good (lol, just had to stop here for a second and say its ironic i'm writing a sad story, but reflecting on all of the good points too...it just seems weird)....well back to the story....

we chit chatted and all...and then came up the point of teaching english to them...for like an hour on sundays....that i didn't mind...but something that was said bothered me, as it showed that nothing had changed from two years ago...one of the reasons a few people at the church bothered me was their close mindedness to things that i saw....i remember two years ago when i stayed at seong gyeol's place, where he lives with his sister and parents....and sitting there joking about marriage and stuff...well i remember saying something about his daughter and he laughed, said you can marry any korean girl you choose, and i'll even find her for you...just not my daughter...i laughed because i thought it was funny and he was purely joking, but when i saw that he was serious, i took note of that....you just don't say something like that, and mean it!!...

anywhoo, we were talking, and as i seem to steer everybody i talk to towards marriage talk, lol, i did this time as well...and then she said something i would also take note of....she said that i shouldn't marry a korean person, and no one at the table said anything to counter that thought....not saying that they were approving of it, but at least try to refute it a bit....then she tried to downplay it, by saying do whatever you want, but it was too late, and the damage was already done...and plus that last comment added insult to injury, basically saying, DUDE IT WON'T BE ME....yeppp!!!!....message made clear...that, like jesus drawing the line in the sand, made clear where the boundaries lie....why would i teach english and hang out with people who put limitations on our friendship, if its even that, etc...

i don't mind teaching at all, but not to people that don't see me the same way i see them...that was scary!!!...seeing that she thought just like her parents....seeing that "diseased" way of thinking being passed down from one generation to the next...ughhhhh!!!!!...funny, that wasn't the only thing that bothered me....there is this couple, the woman being hyun hwa's sister...not to badmouth hyun hwa's sister or family (will get to mom later, even though i still dearly love her motherly treatment of me), but this isn't the first time i've been treated in an improper manner by one of her sisters (the other one fired me in an indirect way two summers ago...hows that for history???!!!)...so they wanted me to teach their son again (already had a short stint of it, and he's kinda bad and unruly)....

so they wanted him to practice english with him....again i wouldn't mind, but there is this thing about some korean parents and discipline....its none existent...the things he does i woulda got killed/beat down/slapped/embarassed in public (you get the deal), for doing....yet he gets off scott free...i can't teach someone like that effectively...if you don't respect your parents, i don't think your gonna respect me....and being forced to sit there and force conversation with a child for like 20 to 30 minutes that doesn't want to be there, having to draw out every ounce of english out of him, is just taxing...i am a teacher at nam cheon elementary school and two other schools...i do that from 8:40 to 4:40, monday thru friday...if you want me to teach your child, please enroll him/her at one of my schools...i get paid mon. thru fri....friday afer work,saturday, and sunday are my days of rest, and i don't want them to be interrupted unless I AGREE so....that was the same dad who i had problems with last time, with him wanted me to honor him with certain handshakes, respect, other garbage, etc....when your an elder or whomever, you shouldn't be like a pharisee and love being called teacher, just cuz it makes you feel important....you should be humble and walk in that humility....titles and them going to peoples brains...sheesh...

yea, so don't try to force me to teach your children....if i want to i will...if i don't i won't....i am not a natural member of this society, so i do not bow to its whims or cultural pressures that are ingrained in society to make people feel ashamed in order to give in to your demands...i will ignore you if you do not listen to me and shut you out like i was champ bailey covering a receiver....so yea, told them i would be coming next week and all, but i really didn't want to and i will have to call them to tell them i am not, but that will get done...i was really feeling burdened, almost wishing i hadn't come to the church that day to visit them, because of all this stuff...it was nice playing with this wonderful baby...he is 9 months and str8 up adorable...

so finally seong gyeol came and we left alone...i almost felt sad leaving the people of the church, but then i reconciled it in my mind very quickly....no problem there...i just had to ask him....why he left....he said he wanted to grow on his own...in faith, and everything else....basically i think he was saying become his own man, apart from his parents shadow (and boy do they cast a longggg shadow)....doesn't want them controlling his life probably, and i can't blame him....i figured as much....its soooo sad, but true, the way a lot of parents are in korea (other places, especially in the u.s. too)....parents shouldn't live their life through their child....thats soo pathetic....

i had to ask the next question....what happened with him and hyun hwa? i knew this one would be harder to ask than the 1st question, but i HAD to know....i just HAD to....so he told me....what i had heard from him before (and from hyun hwa too, if i remember correctly)....that their parents did not want it too happen....on both sides, that is....i heard that it was because of money...but i know thats probably not the only reason...but, the result is, they didn't get married...their parents exercised their stupid right to try and have a say in everything....why????? freaking why??????.....as we sat there at KFC, i just about cried....dernitttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!....why them...i freaking KNOW, they were supposed to be married....they were...they really were folks!!!!....

if you've ever seen the korean movie the classic, its about a couple that basically don't end up together...their kids end up together, and its tragic and all, but this is a REAL LIFE FREAKING EXAMPLE.....dangit man....in all seriousness, if i had a way of undoing this, I WOULD.....but it is done, and i have NO choice but to accept it...i feel scared, betrayed, hurt, etc...there is no undoing this....she is married to another person....i seriously don't know if i will ever accept this....HOW COULD YOUUUUU????!!!!....hyun hwa....i don't wanna say i won't forgive you....but i am hurt right now....will i ever call her? i don't know...i know that she at least had to accept it...fight it dernit!!!!....don't just go with the freakin' flow....lying down and taking it like that!!!....i don't care if your family never speaks to you, its not their life to live!!!...i would support you out of pocket, knowing that the cause is righteous and holy....seriously i woulda paiddd!!!!!....

and i know i love you mom (hyun hwa's), but how could you sign off on this? WHAT THE HECKKKKK?????!!!!....they were the one hope i had in a korean couple in korea.....meant to be....now that hope is forever gone.....DERN YOU KOREAN PARENTS...HOW C
OULD YOU DOOM YOUR CHILDREN LIKE THAT!!!....UTTER FREAKING SELFISHNESS....dern all that that attitude stands for and represents, throughout the history of all peoples!!!!....korean, american, or WHOMEVER!!!!....this is the reason i had such a problem hanging with your girl chelsea...the minute, when we were at the gym, and she said she didn't think she could go against her parents in such a matter, i wasn't mad, but i conceded that fact with a sigh, and forever annexed any idea of a relationship to the nether realm....

i couldn't be in a relationship with someone who would jump ship like that, off the plank, on their parents command....i understood, and i would never want to seperate her from her family....thats why i just left it at that....and thats one reason why i guess a rift between me and her was opened...maybe not the biggest of them, but definitely somewhere on the list...so to tell you the truth, when she comes back, i really don't feel like hanging, as i stated earlier, that people that think like that can take a hike...thats if there is no change....well, my one reprieve was that he said one good thing that came out of this is that he has a true friend in me....(WHOOAA!!!)...that hit me hard at that moment, given all that had taken place this day (still not ever yet lol)...

i thought about it, and i only did meet him through hyun hwa....and he was my closest friend, along with hyun hwa, when i was in korea last time...taking me places such as the korean sauna, bathing my back, feeding me, housing me, etc....i owe this man a lot....and here he says i have a beautiful mind and that i am a real friend of his...OHHH....i relish his friendship....i just want the best for him...he listened to me explain myself about the church and not wanting to go back there, and he agreed with me...he just listened and was told me i shouldn't be stressed and not be able to rest..he deserves the best god has to give him..but, one of those things has been taken away in this life...but we have jesus....thank god for jesus and the holy spirit...i just don't know man...i love this man....and i love her....i'm just hurt....its 11:39, as i write this...i started almost 2 hours ago....i just had to spill my beans now...i couldn't sleep on this....

so, i go to bed wounded.....tonite will be a sad nite....and i might be sad until an undesignated time...i know this is super long, but if you read it all, not only congratulations, but thank you....i just wanted these feelings out of my head and onto this online paper.....sighhhh.....i CAN pray though....that god will clean up this mess made by humans....we all make mistakes....but i hope anyone i know doesn't experience this, nor myself, nor my children....oh boy....i still love you korea.....just...i don't know....good nite folks...thanx for listening....

p.s. if you read this now, i will put up a couple pictures tomorrow at work...

cintron t. crankfield

(sighhhhhhhhh........)

this is seong gyeol....

 
he is soooo kind hearted....such a good godly man....i applaud you for stepping out into your own against your parent's advise....keep walking before god my beloved friend...