| | wow...it has not been over two months since i last blogged...i knew that i had fell off the map like jeezy, but dang man...sorry guys...been caught up in just working and being tired mentally after working...i think its been a full season, as far as experiencing everything i am going to experience during a regular teaching year (reg. semester, english camp, break-time camp) except for an extended break camp...so with that under my belt, i should have a pretty good idea of what to expect and all...well, time to get down to the nitty gritty, meat and potatoes of what i wanted to type about...friendship... see, i've been reading the four loves by c.s. lewis, and it got ya boy to thinking, not only about trying to digest what c.s. was communicating, but reopening dams of thought that were previously clogged up, getting them to flow afresh with fluidity again...(p.s. i'm going to try to make this short, and not the monster that i usually write, but i'm not making any promises here)...c.s. lewis talks about specifically 4 loves, friendship, charity, and erotic love being among them...i learned soo much, and unearthed the secrets behind a few of my trains of thought on certain matters, the complicated webbing of friendships and human interactions being among them.... i ask a question to you audience? what is friendship to you.... .... ....yea...those dots are meant to give you some time to yourself to just think about it...(really, just take a moment and reflect upon what the word friend means to you)...i looked it up in the dictionary, to shockingly (even though after finding out its root meaning, i understood why i had felt the way i did all along) discover that it means to love someone...what does it mean for you to love someone? and do you truly "love" your friends? what does that expression of love mean to you and how does it manifest itself? do you think that you "love" (on) your friends enough? do you think that you guys see eye-to-eye on that or would you be shocked to find out that their is a great disparity between what your meaning of friend is and what your friend thinks it is? these are questions i found myself asking, assuming about, cross-analyzing, and wondering about when i found out from good ol' merriam webster and c.s. what friendship is defined as and where it stems from, how its built, what makes it last, and why mainly, there were miscommunications that caused confusion about the actual status (or the lack thereoff) of friendship...i realized that friends for me are a part of my body...we do nothing apart, and everything together...when one eats, one is full, and the other is hungry, both ar fed....i also realized, that like a spider, i had weaved and entangled myself in a web of deception caused by my own expectations of others, without properly identifying if they were willing to jump in the proverbial fire of friendship in the first place...to put it in nfl terms, i was running with a bunch of 2nd string, 3rd string, and practice squad players, when i thought i was with the 1st team offense... this is not to say anything about their "abilities" as friends, as so much to say the miscommunication about our "equal" status...left unsaid, it was assumed we were friends, but we were not...deep down i didn't regard them as such, but that word that is often tossed around too lightly without responsibility tricked me, and i fell right for it...F R I E N D....see, friend means a whole lot to me, but as i said before, i might have said the word, but what would have been more appropriate would have been associate, colleague, companion, or another word that would give the actual meaning to the relationship...a mis-translation, if you will... depending on the situation, i think it goes something like this...acquantaince to associate to companion and if the proper weather conditions arise a hurricane arises that is friendship...i know i know...it was (and is) very foolish of me to have such lofty expectations of people when you meet, are introduced to, and "befriend" others, but i'm very simple and i trust people very easily...its just my nature, and i often end up like tommy pickles, lookin' stupid when angelica pulls one on me...but a lot of times its just bound to happen, so i accept that...i like giving people the benefit of the doubt...but i think this miscategorizing of people lead to a lot of unnecessary frustation that would've been not necessarily solved, but easier had i understood what i was signing up for at those times... so my definition of friends are those who can make that sacrifice...in time, effort, care, thoughtfulness, etc...CONSISTENCY is sooo key...it can make or break the deal, and communicates to the other party priority...well then, that means i have 3 or so friends huh....i think they know who they are (but if you don't u are free to ask chum!)...while this may sound cold and make me sound like something (couldn't think of anything), its a reality right?...you cannot have deep intimacy with everyone, and its only those people i call friends...i would say my 2nd tier are companions, which are great to have (lol, sorry it sounds like i'm shopping or something)...companions are somewhere in space, when it comes to becoming a friend...they might be on the low end, just past associate in the middle or on the cusp of being a barney f r i e n d....relationships with them are great, but they just don't shine, such as with friends...there could be many reasons for this, attributed to both sides, such as a lack of time spent together, no true true depth there, lack of interest in going further, etc.....i am for all intensive purposes not comparing the two, just putting my ranking system in order...quite frankly, there is not easy way to say these things, as they are just what they are... all this is not to say that i do not love everybody...i feel that i (along with a certain haitian friend of mine) have a lot to give in relationships, and love on people very easily...the question, at least i feel, is are they ready to receive that love, and walk together and reciprocate...some people are right off the bat...some people have to call you back later, after weighing it...some people don't get the memo...some people, unbeknownst to them, underachieve and don't allow the relationship to max out the way it should...due to all of these reasons and more, the ranking system comes into place, quite naturally so to speak, and puts limitations or charts budding and growth that has happened/will occur...all in all, trust needs to be there and is important throughout the whole process... if the two parties don't see eye-to-eye, then not only will growth be stunted, but it can sometimes reverse directions, go sour and rot, or just be left in limbo...and when left in limbo, as carolina kim pointed out to me, the more time things are not spoken about and addressed, guessing and assuming starts to happen, which can quickly turn into malcontent...lol, i have two people here that want to get close to me, but i am not sure what they mean by that, and i already have my assumptions, but that does NOT mean i will blacklist them...i want to honestly know what they want, so i can tell them what i want and see if we agree...i know i know, it sounds like a business deal, but it is an investment, and if you are not willing to put in the time, don't waste mine please...lets just be upfront here, as two consenting adults... dang, at least for me, this post seems harsh, but i have to keep it real...being rude, callous towards others, etc. should not be the goal, but i'm just trying to let my mind and what i think be known...the truth is we CANNOT be friends with many people, but only a select few...i don't mean the word "friend", because it has lost its original meaning in modern context...but its just an impossibility...like c.s. lewis was saying, it HAS to be an exclusive group, and in that respect, exclude others, which may be harsh, but its just the darn truth of the matter...i think serving others (which can seem like friendship, due to its many possibilites for acts of services, mental intimacy, thoughtfulness, kindness, etc.) can be given to other people...but there is still a disparity in my mind between being friends with someone and serving them...i just look at jesus, and the difference between the men he called his friends (the disciples) and those he served with love and compassion... so there...some of my mind is now out on this page, and i bid you adiou...i hope you feel me on this piece...if not thats ok, but definitely if you want clarity on something (please try to never just assume and think you know...i'm guilty of that as well but need to be slapped sometimes, haha!!), but just ask if you don't understand what i mean...as batman, the dark knight pointed out, being misunderstood is just a way of life, no matter what path you choose and who you are...so peace oh and p.s. if you want to know where you stand in my "order" don't be afraid to ask, but i will give you an honest answer...love you cintron t. crankfield |
