mintdx's Xanga

Entitled to the right of first refusal?

Thu, 11 Jun 2009 00:07:53 GMT

This is something that all of us deal with at one time or another...dating...or that feeling other people out, do they have interest in me type o' stuff...my question to you is...i'm gonna give you a couple case scenarios that i have experienced/seen/know to be true/that happen, etc...have you prepared yourself? ok...let's go!...what would you do if you have a good friend whom you consider yourself to be close with, and you, having some feelings for this person, such so that you would like to see whether they see more to your relationship than just remaining friends, ask them out, and they say well sorry but my parents won't approve of YOU (aka, what you look like on the outside) or some other very inadequate excuse that has some kind of "extentuating circumstances" beyond your control...would you a) drop this person like a sack of hot potatoes? b) remain friends but attempt to keep the distance mentally and have restraints on how close you can grow/trust them or c) not have a problem with that and keep moving forward?

i know this happens at school/orgranizations/social gatherings etc., but what if it happens at church? what would you do then? talk to someone that person is close to see what the deal is or so meone that they look up to as a spiritual authority? what do you see it as? an issue of pride (i'm better than you, so i wouldn't date you) or could it be thought of as simply a personal preference? i'm just curious to hear what folks think...thanks for reading...it's been a while since i last updated, so i just want to hear your thoughts

cintron

"Today I found out what batman cannot do...he cannot endure this"

Thu, 14 Aug 2008 02:23:04 GMT

wow...it has not been over two months since i last blogged...i knew that i had fell off the map like jeezy, but dang man...sorry guys...been caught up in just working and being tired mentally after working...i think its been a full season, as far as experiencing everything i am going to experience during a regular teaching year (reg. semester, english camp, break-time camp) except for an extended break camp...so with that under my belt, i should have a pretty good idea of what to expect and all...well, time to get down to the nitty gritty, meat and potatoes of what i wanted to type about...friendship...

see, i've been reading the four loves by c.s. lewis, and it got ya boy to thinking, not only about trying to digest what c.s. was communicating, but reopening dams of thought that were previously clogged up, getting them to flow afresh with fluidity again...(p.s. i'm going to try to make this short, and not the monster that i usually write, but i'm not making any promises here)...c.s. lewis talks about specifically 4 loves, friendship, charity, and erotic love being among them...i learned soo much, and unearthed the secrets behind a few of my trains of thought on certain matters, the complicated webbing of friendships and human interactions being among them....

i ask a question to you audience? what is friendship to you.... .... ....yea...those dots are meant to give you some time to yourself to just think about it...(really, just take a moment and reflect upon what the word friend means to you)...i looked it up in the dictionary, to shockingly (even though after finding out its root meaning, i understood why i had felt the way i did all along) discover that it means to love someone...what does it mean for you to love someone? and do you truly "love" your friends? what does that expression of love mean to you and how does it manifest itself? do you think that you "love" (on) your friends enough? do you think that you guys see eye-to-eye on that or would you be shocked to find out that their is a great disparity between what your meaning of friend is and what your friend thinks it is?

these are questions i found myself asking, assuming about, cross-analyzing, and wondering about when i found out from good ol' merriam webster and c.s. what friendship is defined as and where it stems from, how its built, what makes it last, and why mainly, there were miscommunications that caused confusion about the actual status (or the lack thereoff) of friendship...i realized that friends for me are a part of my body...we do nothing apart, and everything together...when one eats, one is full, and the other is hungry, both ar fed....i also realized, that like a spider, i had weaved and entangled myself in a web of deception caused by my own expectations of others, without properly identifying if they were willing to jump in the proverbial fire of friendship in the first place...to put it in nfl terms, i was running with a bunch of 2nd string, 3rd string, and practice squad players, when i thought i was with the 1st team offense...

this is not to say anything about their "abilities" as friends, as so much to say the miscommunication about our "equal" status...left unsaid, it was assumed we were friends, but we were not...deep down i didn't regard them as such, but that word that is often tossed around too lightly without responsibility tricked me, and i fell right for it...F R I E N D....see, friend means a whole lot to me, but as i said before, i might have said the word, but what would have been more appropriate would have been associate, colleague, companion, or another word that would give the actual meaning to the relationship...a mis-translation, if you will...

depending on the situation, i think it goes something like this...acquantaince to associate to companion and if the proper weather conditions arise a hurricane arises that is friendship...i know i know...it was (and is) very foolish of me to have such lofty expectations of people when you meet, are introduced to, and "befriend" others, but i'm very simple and i trust people very easily...its just my nature, and i often end up like tommy pickles, lookin' stupid when angelica pulls one on me...but a lot of times its just bound to happen, so i accept that...i like giving people the benefit of the doubt...but i think this miscategorizing of people lead to a lot of unnecessary frustation that would've been not necessarily solved, but easier had i understood what i was signing up for at those times...

so my definition of friends are those who can make that sacrifice...in time, effort, care, thoughtfulness, etc...CONSISTENCY is sooo key...it can make or break the deal, and communicates to the other party priority...well then, that means i have 3 or so friends huh....i think they know who they are (but if you don't u are free to ask chum!)...while this may sound cold and make me sound like something (couldn't think of anything), its a reality right?...you cannot have deep intimacy with everyone, and its only those people i call friends...i would say my 2nd tier are companions, which are great to have (lol, sorry it sounds like i'm shopping or something)...companions are somewhere in space, when it comes to becoming a friend...they might be on the low end, just past associate in the middle or on the cusp of being a barney f r i e n d....relationships with them are great, but they just don't shine, such as with friends...there could be many reasons for this, attributed to both sides, such as a lack of time spent together, no true true depth there, lack of interest in going further, etc.....i am for all intensive purposes not comparing the two, just putting my ranking system in order...quite frankly, there is not easy way to say these things, as they are just what they are...

all this is not to say that i do not love everybody...i feel that i (along with a certain haitian friend of mine) have a lot to give in relationships, and love on people very easily...the question, at least i feel, is are they ready to receive that love, and walk together and reciprocate...some people are right off the bat...some people have to call you back later, after weighing it...some people don't get the memo...some people, unbeknownst to them, underachieve and don't allow the relationship to max out the way it should...due to all of these reasons and more, the ranking system comes into place, quite naturally so to speak, and puts limitations or charts budding and growth that has happened/will occur...all in all, trust needs to be there and is important throughout the whole process...

if the two parties don't see eye-to-eye, then not only will growth be stunted, but it can sometimes reverse directions, go sour and rot, or just be left in limbo...and when left in limbo, as carolina kim pointed out to me, the more time things are not spoken about and addressed, guessing and assuming starts to happen, which can quickly turn into malcontent...lol, i have two people here that want to get close to me, but i am not sure what they mean by that, and i already have my assumptions, but that does NOT mean i will blacklist them...i want to honestly know what they want, so i can tell them what i want and see if we agree...i know i know, it sounds like a business deal, but it is an investment, and if you are not willing to put in the time, don't waste mine please...lets just be upfront here, as two consenting adults...

dang, at least for me, this post seems harsh, but i have to keep it real...being rude, callous towards others, etc. should not be the goal, but i'm just trying to let my mind and what i think be known...the truth is we CANNOT be friends with many people, but only a select few...i don't mean the word "friend", because it has lost its original meaning in modern context...but its just an impossibility...like c.s. lewis was saying, it HAS to be an exclusive group, and in that respect, exclude others, which may be harsh, but its just the darn truth of the matter...i think serving others (which can seem like friendship, due to its many possibilites for acts of services, mental intimacy, thoughtfulness, kindness, etc.) can be given to other people...but there is still a disparity in my mind between being friends with someone and serving them...i just look at jesus, and the difference between the men he called his friends (the disciples) and those he served with love and compassion...

so there...some of my mind is now out on this page, and i bid you adiou...i hope you feel me on this piece...if not thats ok, but definitely if you want clarity on something (please try to never just assume and think you know...i'm guilty of that as well but need to be slapped sometimes, haha!!), but just ask if you don't understand what i mean...as batman, the dark knight pointed out, being misunderstood is just a way of life, no matter what path you choose and who you are...so peace

oh and p.s. if you want to know where you stand in my "order" don't be afraid to ask, but i will give you an honest answer...love you

cintron t. crankfield

My 1st short one...

Tue, 10 Jun 2008 06:02:41 GMT

I just thought this response to this 1st posting was really well put. Got it from the nfl section of cbs.sportsline.com...it was an article titled, for god's sake keep him out of it...

To me, this article touched on a topic that bothers me personally, and that topic is preaching. Especially when the preaching is done by people who have no right, qualifications, or positive personal history to do so.

Look, I love free speech, but enough is enough sometimes. I'm an Agnostic Atheist, but out of respect for my fellow man, I keep my ideals to myself, and don't attempt to force them on others, especially those I know would be offended by them. The same can not be said for most other religions across the world. Never once has anyone preaching their religion to me taken into account the fact that I might be offended by it. Athletes are no exception to this rule. Can you imagine the public backlash that an athlete would have to endure if he spoke about his Atheist beliefs after a game as casually as athletes speak about their Christian beliefs? I mean my (your) god! Does the phrase "double standard" come to mind?

So, for those of you offended by this article, now you know how I feel every time someone shoves god down my throat. It's refreshing to see a reporter, especially one in a sports field, have the guts to challenge this double standard and tell it how it is.

Well done.

The other guy responded with this:

Isn't the definition of an "agnostic" one who choses not to have "ideals" about anything. Its hard to force "I don't know about anything" down someones throat, I know that I would not be offended by it. Wouldn't be easier to just say, "I'm really not sure about the whole God thing so I chose to believe the easiest thing for me, which is there is no God".

Ignorance about the truth doesn't offend me it depresses me, but you are complaining of a "double standard" when you are an "agnostic" who by definition doesn't have any standard. Atheistic remarks would be more accepted by the public and wouldn't make news like this does.

You live in a country that was built on the premise of belief in God (check history) not on the disbelief in anything. If you're tired of hearing about it then maybe you should move to another country that doesn't have God in their constitution.

Until then you are probably just going to have to deal with it.

Sorry

One Korean Dream Crushed....More To Come?

Sun, 08 Jun 2008 13:43:43 GMT

hello all...lol, i know the title seems to be mysterious or just flat out weird....lol, i bet all my titles are weird...i always try to have some deep meaning to them...nothing casual for me...i was thinking about that, among many other things before starting this post....i know i've been posting a lot...its not like i didn't have much to say before, its just now i make time for it, and i want all the people that i am not physically close to to know my mind, i guess...to be heard...one of the cries of our heart, that everyone has....god can only fill that hole, but people have a part to play in that as well....anywhoo, on to the post....today was an awesome sunday....i woke up at the usual time to get my quiet time and word time in with god and was kind of anxious to see this day come to fruition...i was not feeling the best, as i caught a little something from one of the bboys at hanyang university, who was feeling under the weather...

(by the way this has nothing to do with anything that is relevant here, but i listen to last samurai (mostly) or other inspiring music when writing my post...just wanted to say that....guess i just wanted it to be known lol)...these posts seem like a complete random spilling of my brain onto cyber-paper....oh well...back on track now silly haha....so, my nose was running nonstop and my throat was/is a little soar...oh well, being sick is a part of life...even though i would never admit that i am, because it feels like speaking death over myself...yea, so my reason for being excited about today was that i was going to go back to my old church that i used to go to when i came here during the summer of 2006...

so i figured to get there on time i would need to leave and hour in advance....WRONGGG (just like that baby in the video, right josh)....sorry that i use josue edith saintil as a backboard for a lot of my inside info/jokes, but its because in tally after kris/matt left, he was the person i shared my mind with the most....so he pretty much knows my thoughts, even when i don't speak them and etc...so i was late getting there...and when i got there the door was locked, much to my surprise!!!....i cursed myself for getting there late and not being on time, but i thought to myself why would the door be locked??...i know that when i used to go there, they would have service basically all day, and at least a few people would be there at all times during that period...so i started to think all sorts of crazy things...like did they all die? or were they all kidnapped? were the neighbors in on it? is that why when i asked this lady who looked like she was dressed for church for information, she ignored me like i wasn't even there?

well, i thought to myself, (finally), maybe they moved....dang, lol, and i didn't know where...that soured my whole day...being so excited to see them yet getting there and having NO ONE be there.....man, i figured my plan for the day would change to just sulking/hanging out in that area, eating lunch and dinner there too, in the slim chance that i would happen upon someone who goes to that church...well, i decided to go to the love church across the street and see if they just changed the name and moved across the street....lo and behold, one of the members walked up to me (this time was before the service started) and asked me what the dealio was?

i explained that i wanted to know what happened to the dule hana church, and he took me to a lady who explained to me the new directions of the church...then the pastor came, corrected the wrong directions, and i was off on my way (lol, i did think in the back of my mind that the guy was gonna up and give me a ride, but seeing that this was not gonna happen, i was more than happy to take the adventurous route of finding the church myself)...(for those of you that don't know me too well, i love being independent and doing things myself, taking a pride in it, so that thought was thrown out without me becoming angry or even the least bit bothered)...

so i walked there, trying to find the landmark sk service station...turns out it was 2 hills, not the one that i expected from the directions...but that was all good...anyway i was just about to walk past the place when this lady gave me a pamphlet...i was just about to tell her that i was alright, when i looked up and it was the dure hana church....god works in ways i don't understand lol...it was awesome...so i walked upstairs, excited and anticipating...when i got there i saw a huge area, way bigger than the last church area....and the winding stairs reminded me of final fantasy 7 in that place where sefiroth went crazy...i sat down and just listened to the sermon....well, more like gleaned, cuz it was all in korean...but the person next to me told me he knew me....that i was seong gyeol's friend....i was a bit shocked...but i figured he told him who i was....i'll go ahead and list the main character's of this story they are:

hyun hwa, the girl who i met in the u.s. at the smaller korean church (josh remember hunny bun) and her boyfriend seong gyeol, whom i met through her when he visited the u.s. for about two weeks one time....make to the story....

i was listening to the sermon when i looked to my right and saw hyun hwa's mom...i was like ohhhh....momma...i waited until after the sermon was over, and then i went about reintroducing myself to people i hadn't seen in a while....it wass reallyyy good seeing them again...only i noticed one thing....seong gyeol and hyun hwa were not there....one of my previous suspicions, only far off (but right in only one sense), was true, that they went to a different church...the reason they left, which i figured i knew (i was right about at least one, maybe the main one maybe not, i don't know)had to be found out, but i will get to that later...someone told me seong gyeol went to a different church, and his sister called him up for me and we scheduled to meet there...so i practiced worshipping with them...they welcomed me in with open arms....

there were a lot of new faces and peeps to meet...it was good practicing worship, even though at times i could not read the lyrics to the songs fast enough....after that we sat down to have lunch, after everybody else had eaten....on the way to go eat, i asked about hyun hwa, and found out that she got married!!!!...i was soo shocked, but i kind of had a sick feeling about it....i just freaking knew it!!!....i just hoped for the best, cuz i just wanted it to be seong gyeol sooo bad...when i asked and his sister said that it wasn't i wanted to die!!!....(even as i sit here writing this now, i am crying because it saddens my heart to find out they are not married...dern it!!!).....i had no time to sulk there, as we ate and chatted (truth be told i did not accept it, so it didn't hit me at that point)....(sorry...crying again....)....ok, back....well, i ate lunch with them, and it was good (lol, just had to stop here for a second and say its ironic i'm writing a sad story, but reflecting on all of the good points too...it just seems weird)....well back to the story....

we chit chatted and all...and then came up the point of teaching english to them...for like an hour on sundays....that i didn't mind...but something that was said bothered me, as it showed that nothing had changed from two years ago...one of the reasons a few people at the church bothered me was their close mindedness to things that i saw....i remember two years ago when i stayed at seong gyeol's place, where he lives with his sister and parents....and sitting there joking about marriage and stuff...well i remember saying something about his daughter and he laughed, said you can marry any korean girl you choose, and i'll even find her for you...just not my daughter...i laughed because i thought it was funny and he was purely joking, but when i saw that he was serious, i took note of that....you just don't say something like that, and mean it!!...

anywhoo, we were talking, and as i seem to steer everybody i talk to towards marriage talk, lol, i did this time as well...and then she said something i would also take note of....she said that i shouldn't marry a korean person, and no one at the table said anything to counter that thought....not saying that they were approving of it, but at least try to refute it a bit....then she tried to downplay it, by saying do whatever you want, but it was too late, and the damage was already done...and plus that last comment added insult to injury, basically saying, DUDE IT WON'T BE ME....yeppp!!!!....message made clear...that, like jesus drawing the line in the sand, made clear where the boundaries lie....why would i teach english and hang out with people who put limitations on our friendship, if its even that, etc...

i don't mind teaching at all, but not to people that don't see me the same way i see them...that was scary!!!...seeing that she thought just like her parents....seeing that "diseased" way of thinking being passed down from one generation to the next...ughhhhh!!!!!...funny, that wasn't the only thing that bothered me....there is this couple, the woman being hyun hwa's sister...not to badmouth hyun hwa's sister or family (will get to mom later, even though i still dearly love her motherly treatment of me), but this isn't the first time i've been treated in an improper manner by one of her sisters (the other one fired me in an indirect way two summers ago...hows that for history???!!!)...so they wanted me to teach their son again (already had a short stint of it, and he's kinda bad and unruly)....

so they wanted him to practice english with him....again i wouldn't mind, but there is this thing about some korean parents and discipline....its none existent...the things he does i woulda got killed/beat down/slapped/embarassed in public (you get the deal), for doing....yet he gets off scott free...i can't teach someone like that effectively...if you don't respect your parents, i don't think your gonna respect me....and being forced to sit there and force conversation with a child for like 20 to 30 minutes that doesn't want to be there, having to draw out every ounce of english out of him, is just taxing...i am a teacher at nam cheon elementary school and two other schools...i do that from 8:40 to 4:40, monday thru friday...if you want me to teach your child, please enroll him/her at one of my schools...i get paid mon. thru fri....friday afer work,saturday, and sunday are my days of rest, and i don't want them to be interrupted unless I AGREE so....that was the same dad who i had problems with last time, with him wanted me to honor him with certain handshakes, respect, other garbage, etc....when your an elder or whomever, you shouldn't be like a pharisee and love being called teacher, just cuz it makes you feel important....you should be humble and walk in that humility....titles and them going to peoples brains...sheesh...

yea, so don't try to force me to teach your children....if i want to i will...if i don't i won't....i am not a natural member of this society, so i do not bow to its whims or cultural pressures that are ingrained in society to make people feel ashamed in order to give in to your demands...i will ignore you if you do not listen to me and shut you out like i was champ bailey covering a receiver....so yea, told them i would be coming next week and all, but i really didn't want to and i will have to call them to tell them i am not, but that will get done...i was really feeling burdened, almost wishing i hadn't come to the church that day to visit them, because of all this stuff...it was nice playing with this wonderful baby...he is 9 months and str8 up adorable...

so finally seong gyeol came and we left alone...i almost felt sad leaving the people of the church, but then i reconciled it in my mind very quickly....no problem there...i just had to ask him....why he left....he said he wanted to grow on his own...in faith, and everything else....basically i think he was saying become his own man, apart from his parents shadow (and boy do they cast a longggg shadow)....doesn't want them controlling his life probably, and i can't blame him....i figured as much....its soooo sad, but true, the way a lot of parents are in korea (other places, especially in the u.s. too)....parents shouldn't live their life through their child....thats soo pathetic....

i had to ask the next question....what happened with him and hyun hwa? i knew this one would be harder to ask than the 1st question, but i HAD to know....i just HAD to....so he told me....what i had heard from him before (and from hyun hwa too, if i remember correctly)....that their parents did not want it too happen....on both sides, that is....i heard that it was because of money...but i know thats probably not the only reason...but, the result is, they didn't get married...their parents exercised their stupid right to try and have a say in everything....why????? freaking why??????.....as we sat there at KFC, i just about cried....dernitttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!....why them...i freaking KNOW, they were supposed to be married....they were...they really were folks!!!!....

if you've ever seen the korean movie the classic, its about a couple that basically don't end up together...their kids end up together, and its tragic and all, but this is a REAL LIFE FREAKING EXAMPLE.....dangit man....in all seriousness, if i had a way of undoing this, I WOULD.....but it is done, and i have NO choice but to accept it...i feel scared, betrayed, hurt, etc...there is no undoing this....she is married to another person....i seriously don't know if i will ever accept this....HOW COULD YOUUUUU????!!!!....hyun hwa....i don't wanna say i won't forgive you....but i am hurt right now....will i ever call her? i don't know...i know that she at least had to accept it...fight it dernit!!!!....don't just go with the freakin' flow....lying down and taking it like that!!!....i don't care if your family never speaks to you, its not their life to live!!!...i would support you out of pocket, knowing that the cause is righteous and holy....seriously i woulda paiddd!!!!!....

and i know i love you mom (hyun hwa's), but how could you sign off on this? WHAT THE HECKKKKK?????!!!!....they were the one hope i had in a korean couple in korea.....meant to be....now that hope is forever gone.....DERN YOU KOREAN PARENTS...HOW C
OULD YOU DOOM YOUR CHILDREN LIKE THAT!!!....UTTER FREAKING SELFISHNESS....dern all that that attitude stands for and represents, throughout the history of all peoples!!!!....korean, american, or WHOMEVER!!!!....this is the reason i had such a problem hanging with your girl chelsea...the minute, when we were at the gym, and she said she didn't think she could go against her parents in such a matter, i wasn't mad, but i conceded that fact with a sigh, and forever annexed any idea of a relationship to the nether realm....

i couldn't be in a relationship with someone who would jump ship like that, off the plank, on their parents command....i understood, and i would never want to seperate her from her family....thats why i just left it at that....and thats one reason why i guess a rift between me and her was opened...maybe not the biggest of them, but definitely somewhere on the list...so to tell you the truth, when she comes back, i really don't feel like hanging, as i stated earlier, that people that think like that can take a hike...thats if there is no change....well, my one reprieve was that he said one good thing that came out of this is that he has a true friend in me....(WHOOAA!!!)...that hit me hard at that moment, given all that had taken place this day (still not ever yet lol)...

i thought about it, and i only did meet him through hyun hwa....and he was my closest friend, along with hyun hwa, when i was in korea last time...taking me places such as the korean sauna, bathing my back, feeding me, housing me, etc....i owe this man a lot....and here he says i have a beautiful mind and that i am a real friend of his...OHHH....i relish his friendship....i just want the best for him...he listened to me explain myself about the church and not wanting to go back there, and he agreed with me...he just listened and was told me i shouldn't be stressed and not be able to rest..he deserves the best god has to give him..but, one of those things has been taken away in this life...but we have jesus....thank god for jesus and the holy spirit...i just don't know man...i love this man....and i love her....i'm just hurt....its 11:39, as i write this...i started almost 2 hours ago....i just had to spill my beans now...i couldn't sleep on this....

so, i go to bed wounded.....tonite will be a sad nite....and i might be sad until an undesignated time...i know this is super long, but if you read it all, not only congratulations, but thank you....i just wanted these feelings out of my head and onto this online paper.....sighhhh.....i CAN pray though....that god will clean up this mess made by humans....we all make mistakes....but i hope anyone i know doesn't experience this, nor myself, nor my children....oh boy....i still love you korea.....just...i don't know....good nite folks...thanx for listening....

p.s. if you read this now, i will put up a couple pictures tomorrow at work...

cintron t. crankfield

(sighhhhhhhhh........)

this is seong gyeol....

he is soooo kind hearted....such a good godly man....i applaud you for stepping out into your own against your parent's advise....keep walking before god my beloved friend...

I Know We Should Only Brag in Christ, but...

Fri, 06 Jun 2008 22:38:30 GMT

27_Companions.mp3 -

hey everybody...i guess we can officially call this update number two...i went to see that narnia movie on last thursday....mann, it was good....as a christian, throughout several points in the movie i was touched, as the oldest boy was struggling with waiting on aslan and questioning if he would even come and rescue them, which we know translates to him trusting jesus....everytime situations like that came up and i thought about them, i would always translate them directly to my relationship with god and/or just think about the movie as if i were reading a scripture....it was extremely moving...it was almost like reading the bible and getting interpretations of your favorite stories, except this one was made my c.s. lewis....ahhh, it was soo great...i also got to go practice with some of my old bboy friends....actually i only got to see 2 of the old ones...the others are in the army.....danggg!!!!....but it was really good though....the two of them have gotten soo much better, and the other 2 guys that i met were really good too...i'll try to post some footage up later...but the real reason i posted was to brag about my co-workers and bosses

i teach 3rd, 4th, and 6th graders english...i hang out mostly with the 4th grade and 6th grade teachers...the 1st day i got there they were in a competition to take me out to dinner...i made a promise with the 6th grade teachers, but one of the 4th grade teachers "stole" me, and pretended like he didn't know that there was a previous commitment....hes crafty lol....so i ate san gyup sar (thick bacon) with them....boy it was good, and they also treated me to some popcorn-ish treat afterwards....we talked a lot during that time, but they ALWAYS made me the focal point, engaging me if i didn't talk to them for 30 to 60 seconds (not exaggerating)...i was kinda overwhelmingly embarassed by that, wanting them to know it is ok, that they didn't have to pay me that much attention....but they insisted otherwise, so i just went with the flow...the next day, i went out with the 6th grade teachers...

they are sooo wild...we ended up eating spicy red pepper chicken....it was sooo good....once again, they engaged me super hard....i mean, don't get me wrong, it is great being the center of attention, but i just am not used to that....if i tried to "hide" myself by not talking as much, they would ask me questions and chat with me....so, that plan didn't work out lol....there were periods though when they also talked to each other in korean and i just listened in on conversation....i didn't mind that at all, lol, as it also helps me with my listening and building more vocabulary...then we went to another place to drink macoli, which is a slighty sweet alcohol....i really don't like drinking at all, but our captain (the guy with the baby blue shirt) has a strong personality and encouraged me to drink....i did, as i don't mind either, if he wanted me to soooo bad lol....but i also will not be pushed by anyone to do anything i don't want to do, or that goes against the scriptures....it was cool though, as i chose to drink, and they were surprised that i could take soo much macoli and be ok...all i have to say is, thanx mom for the genes....she can take a lot of alcohol (i've seen it 1st hand folks lol)...

when my vice principal found out about them persuading me to drink, he was a little worried, as he knows that i don't like alcohol, but my co-teacher told him it was ok...all except for one did get drunk, but korean people mostly have different behavior when they became drunk....they seem to get super happy, reminiscent, nostalgic, and chatty....one of the 6th grade teachers talked with me about a broad range of topics....his love for the kids at school, why english is in some ways bad for korea, our current korean president, chinese and japanese people, and native americans...yes, he studied a lot about native americans, and thinks they are the best people on earth....he says that they are so trusting and kind, the reason he likes them, and the reason that they were mostly wiped out...he says he gets sooo angry because they were wronged soo badly...what an interesting guy....

and he also loves me because i'm part native american lol....he feels for them....one of the teachers did end up getting hurt because she was intoxicated, on her way back home....josh, maybe thats why huh....but i was not bent outta shape by this....there is nothing wrong with drinking, but we don't need it to "feel something" or feel like the man/woman...thats what christ is for....so, as i am able to share my faith more and more with my family at work, there will be a time and a place for talking about such subjects as drinking, sin, righteousness, jesus, faith, character, etc....but i thank god for that time, as i continue learning from every situation that i encounter, whether it be good or bad...i love them....they are already precious to me...they give soooooooooooooo much....

many of them are married, like the guy in the baby blue shirt (lol, his wife is the boss though, or as my other co-workers described it she is very strong willed, and is the one working the strings behind the scene, fortunately she was graceful enough to allow her husband to eat dinner with me the next day after canceling the day before), give me there time, and invest money in treating me to treats and meals....the women, even though married as well, give seemingly unreservedly, worrying about me and caring for me...to them, co-workers are a family unit, and i guess i never thought work could be like that at all....

the guy on the left and the guy on the right i had never met before, but they were pretty good....got a lot of tricks up there sleeve...especially the guy on the right...he had all kinds of power moves...hopefully i can upload the vids of them...

the guy on the left does hip hop music and the guy on the right i met two years ago...man he's gotten good...his style kinda reminds me of paul, goofiness and all lol...

now on to my co-workers....this wonderful woman brought the cake that yall might have seen in other pictures....it was a variety cake, and delicious at that....she looks like the same age as me....ahhhhhhhhhhh....korean people lol...but she is soo sweet and funny...her personality is borderline goofy, girly girl....

this wonderful person is one of my co-teachers of english...she has a deep vocabulary in english and always gives her best effort in it and whatever she is doing....she is such a balanced woman....so funny, yet serious at the appropriate times....gotta love her!!!...she has powerful legs, which are beautiful....in korea, having huge legs is not seen as an attractive thing, but i know josh feels me on that....so they think i'm a little off haha....i'll be datttt!!!!

1. the guy on the left as afrika said, is smooth, with that baby face, but he is thoughtful and caring for me....he seems to be a chess type of guy, thinking several moves ahead to get the "win"....i like that

2. the lady next to him is one of our school chefs...she makes sure that the staff and kids have delicious food to eat...she gave me a menu for the month, of our dishes.....they are SOOOOO good....i was like, what???!!!...we get to eat this e'day....mannnn....she is so shy, but humble....she never tries to overtalk me and tries to make sure she listens before she speaks out....such a good woman, who can find?....well, somebody did lol....but she speaks with me in english, despite the fact that she struggles a bit...but that effort speaks for itself....thanx for all of the meals and thoughtfulness

3. this woman is a knockout...she is sooo funny and relative....she can make the most out of any situation...she doesn't let stress get to her and lets it fall of like water....amazing!!!....she bought kim bap for me and the office the other day, but she made sure that i got my own box...she said she was worried that i hadn't ate breakfast...my heart just about melted....when i told her i ate well and enjoyed the food, she beamed like a mother satisfied over her child...i felt abashed and proud...whenever i step into a room, she always makes sure that i am taken care off...thank you sooo much nuna...

4. the woman hiding in the background is not a 2nd tier player....she takes care of business, but its her naivety that i love...she is soo tender and sweet...i just want to see to it that she is taken care of...last thursday was a little hectic for her, but i wanted her to be stress free...it was a bit stressful lol...but she has a big heart as well...i just don't wanna see her get burned...

5. this guy is our captain....he is wild and crazy, but i should have figured this out...either wild and crazy guys like him have a quiet wife, or someone even more out there to control them....and that would be his wife lol...he has to ask her for things and she kinda wears the pants....you would never know from how wild he is, but i've heard from the others that thats the way it is...lol...but he is really confident and will be pushy lol...its not a bad quality, just very engaging....but at the same time he uses that same energy and defends his own like the alpha male of a pack of wolves...basically, he'll make sure that you are taken care of...i think upon site of josh, he would annoint YOU alpha male lol...everybody would probably agree too...seriously...

6. well, i don't know him too well, but he is calm, kind, and reserved a bit....he will be going to the u.s. (almost said coming, lol, so used to it) to serve his time in the army (all elligible men have to serve their 2 to 3 years here in korea)...if he hits florida, i'll let yall know....

7. last but certainly not least, is the 2nd in command, but the one who is a huge, if not the biggest power player...she usurps authority like no other, speaking to the other korean people as if she were the elder, when in fact (including me) she is tied for the 2nd youngest....she used gangsta korean and gets no lashback, so i guess she has established her self as alpha female....i really dig her attitude, and she totally does not give a what....she is so str8 forward and unrelenting...reminds me of a former little fire cracker named grace kim haha...she definitely could have been born a black woman (u too g.k. lol)....and woulda been fine with the role....kinda like a tomboy, which makes her uber attractive, in that sense...she is always makin' up slang too, the other day talkin' about a naked face...i was like WHATT???!!!....but she is awesome nonetheless....takes care of me and makes sure i am relaxed with jokes and all...

well thats it for the braggin' now its pack to slackin', in this new jack city imma get to packin'....can't stay in this pc room too long....cost money holmes....how about the jehovah's witness rung my bell...i have a video cam so i can see who's at the door, and this is the 1st time that it has rung....i look at it and i see 2 korean girls, and i'm like, i do not know youuuu guys....so i answered it and they said they were jw....well, i gave the info, so maybe i'll do some yu yu hakusho detective witnessing...spirit gunnnnn!!!!...haha....lol, even in korea...make sure to tell dr. cooperwood lol...and i think i found a korean church to go to...my the placement of god, today he put this korean guy in my path....right when i was on my way to buy a new ipod, he just spoke to me, and we started talking...he liked my without jesus i suck shirt (yea!!!), and asked about my church here...i told him i wanted to find out where this bethel church was n he showed me....after we left there he said he was in a pinch, and i now am in a financial position to help others out....i'm mad at myself for weighing in my mind whether or not i was going to do it, but i'm glad i did....a brother in christ, even if he lies to me (thats between him and god) is worth helping over my stupid pleasures...i'm glad i could serve, and as i will be gettin paid this month (and receiving my plane ticket money back), i'm sure god will be looking forward to stretching me (as will i, but i know it will "hurt")....so c you guys...payceeee....

The ever winding path of life...and my 1st day at school

Mon, 02 Jun 2008 01:57:31 GMT

hello all...sorry its been about four months since i last posted, but i am just getting into the swing of a new life....life in korea...and i have to make an official apology to everyone...last semester i got myself busy, even though i only had one class...i apologize to everyone and anyone that i offended, made angry or upset, or neglected emotionally, spiritually, and physically...i apologize for getting self absorbed and focusing on me in our relationships rather than what i could have given to you...please be forgiving, as i am ever trying to mature and walk further in christ, as he molds me and shapes me as a person (when i let him willingly)....but now unto the agenda of spillng my guts on everything else that has been going on...

i left tallahassee on may 30th, but this time was much different than all of the others...lol, it seems strange because this time i knew that i was leaving for good, but god gave me a peace that only he could understand...leaving josh, borah, othniel, reece, jasmine, korean church, dan & hyewon, and many countless other people was indeed weird, but this time it was more settling, way more than i expected...i am blogging at work right now, but its becaue its my 1st day and i don't have anything else to do (thanx guys for keeping me awake)...you guys are doing me a favor by giving me something to keep myself preoccupied with....thanx ALOTTT kris and josh for your stinkin' sentimental comments that almost got me worked up at work this morning...(intermission) i was just talking with two of my co workers...one of them is my co-teacher, and another one i will be teaching a class with as well...all the kids stop by and unlike the kids at the korean church lol, they respect me a great deal...i was kinda shocked regarding that, but it feels soo great to be loved by them...a whole gaggle of girls stoppe by and one of them said i like you...my co-teacher corrected her, but it was cute and funny...i told them they were all so cute and they all erupted in jubilation lol...i sooo felt like an appa (dad) to them...i will take care of my students, especially my little daughters...

(now back to the scheduled programming)...yea kris and josh, i first read josh's message on kris's page, had to know what it meant, and got ensnared in all this drama....but yea, they have really taken care of me well....i ate lunch with one of my fellow teachers and her family and before that her and her youngest daughter took me shopping for items that i needed....they are sooo kind, and their girls get along with me fine...my room is sooo baller...its all just one room, but you guys will have to see for yourself, the room in its entirety and all the little quirks...but yea, i wasn't able to make it out to the bboy champs, and i probably won't be able to make it out today either, so sorry guys, no pics and no vids will be up from those events....

me leaving, like josh and kris said, was sooo nostalgic...and that man of the world track from the naruto shippuden ost almost got me in the airport and on the plane...but i have learned to block out things, so as not to cry...i was really surprised by my control of myself in this matter, as i have been mostly happy while being here and haven't broke down crying yet...yet i know it will come, and this delay is nothing more than that of something like a late muscle reaction, shockwave after an earthquake, accepting a friend's death after the funeral, etc. type deal...but i guess i did accept it...that i have left, but at the same time, that i HAVE no choice but to move forward with everything, as a standstill is simply not possible (partly got that "standstill" thing from please teacher/onegai teacher)...another part of that was i was barely nervous today...i was also surprised with that, as in many things, when THAT time comes i get extremely nervous...it felt like another part of maturing, as if i and my body and my brain knew that being nervous was not an option and it better not be like that...

rather, i was filled with sooo much excitement...there is soo much time left here...the teacher that has been taking care of me said that she actually hopes that i could remain here at this school for 3 years...i don't have a problem with that...we will see what the future brings...my loved ones, thank you for reading this far, and don't "despair" lol...that was a pun for you all that don't know me to well...or maybe it was just obvious and i didn't need to explain...but now i'm rambling...lol...sighhhhhhh...thats sad....i just explained all that just to HAVE a reason to say that i'm rambling...wowww....pathetic, i know....anyways, love you guys and chat to you later....

cintron t. crankfield

10 years ago....ahhh...so much has changed since then...

Mon, 04 Feb 2008 22:51:11 GMT

happy new year lol...i know i'm late, but hello all...it has once again been a while since i have posted anything at all on xanga (november 16th of last year), but as of this past week/week n a half, there have been some crucial developments in my world...nothing involving missions or the souls of others, but a very important struggle for myself and the future as it will unfold for me...maybe some of you have already "attained" this from the lord, but it is something new to me, but an AWESOME blessing from him...well, to start you guys off, i have been talking to josh about this ever since we started becoming good friends (and sometimes bedfellows on your floor at your crib, right josh haha)...i've always wanted to suppress it and yet it always seems to rear its ugly head up at me...why couldn't i be like kris willis, matthew crenshaw, paul youn, or josh saintil (especially josh)....why couldn't i just wait to be married, and be content where i was loving on jesus...it always frustrated me and dug into the depths of my soul...josh never said it but i always thought in my mind that he was thinking that he is tired of talking to me about it and he should get it by now (but he wasn't and my friend josh has a lot of wisdom hehe)...so, seeing only two paths out of my problem i took the one of renunciation...i think kris and paul might remember when i would always fight, especially paul's words about getting married, but suffice to say it was only a false homage...it reminds me of when god says they honor me with their lips but their hearts are far from me...thats exactly what it was, because that only seemed to make my struggles even worse than they were before, and a smidge more unbearable...so i ended up wanting to be in a relationship, all the while wanting that desire to go away and be tamed and contained, yet knowing that it wouldn't be and finding myself in the midst of being given over to it, making me hate myself....that reminds me of the verse where the apostle paul talks about what you want to do you end up not doing, but what you do not want to do, you end up doing, ending up hating your wretched deed...man, talk about feeling like a hypocrite on the inside...i just didn't understand why i couldn't do what i truly wanted....but as josh said the other week, "you are trying to make yourself something you are not"...was that it...i knew it, but had i accepted it?...no, because i wanted to be like the apostle paul and celebant others in the word, who focused whole-heartedly on god...but for those that know me well, you know that cintron is impatient....and that was what was killing me...the waiting...but i will get to that later...a lot of times the answer is right in front of our faces...and i had forgotten that lol...like you ask someone where the keys are and you search for a minute and they are in your pocket...you feel stupid for not knowing it all along, but its not completely your fault, as we can only truly be captivated and conscious of so much at any given time, if not mainly focused on one thing...so anywho, i had forgotten about who i am...what my pasts consisted of...sure, i had always known that kris, matt, paul, josh, etc. all have parents that are married and i would get a bit emo in thinking about it, but would cast it out, not wanting to wallow in self-pity...but i am different from some of you guys, and it is this difference that marks me...makes up my substance and very being, an inconvenient truth, at times, that i cannot escape...i had only a mother raising me, which plays into me not having both parents and wanting to establish a family of my own for my kids, something i've never had...also not having brothers or sisters is another issue...someone to share with, take the beatings with, and simply love on and vent about things with was not there...i did have a half-sister, but her life ended at the hands of cancer....me and my mother weren't the bests of pals for a good part of my pre teen to current age...we still don't have a "real" communication, but i do love her regardless, and at this point try to take what i can get out of it and love on her with a christ-like love...so for me, being on my own for most of my life, emotionally at least, has had a lasting effect...one that i couldn't refute and that only god could transform...like lou engle said at the call last weekend, only when we give over ourselves to god, that thing or two that we have been holding onto, then he will bring our emotions into submission, but then and only will he work...misty says it on her new album relentless on the song servant of all (absolutely love it, with my fav song right now being garden or　にわ in japanese...)...only through death can there be life, as we have to die to gain...so i really had to come to that...i had to give it up...something i realized i hadn't done sophomore year when i wanted to be celebant for life...i wanted to be, but still wanted to be out "shopping," which when i look back on it, was sooooo stupid...but yea i know, we grow in god, and he opens our eyes up to things we couldn't see before...but last night, a change took place...a couple of weeks ago god put in me the purity i had been longing for for a while...now the holy spirit seems to be fighting that battle for me, with him requiring just a decision from me...sounds like it should always be like that, but that decision was sooo much harder in the past, but it seems that god has simplified it for me...i thank him for the abounding grace he has given me...so it seems this was the next thing that was to be confronted...so last night i talked to jazz on the phone...we were just talking about different things, but somehow we ended up talking about relationships...and i told her how i was talking to hyewon and to josh about marriage n stuff...and how i was just weak when it comes to thinking about wanting to be married n stuff...and sometime during the conversation, when she said that she thinks there are a few things she needs to grow in more, i realized that i was still holding onto hopes, and that something has got to give...and i started getting super emotional and i couldn't say much and had to just listen...after i got off of the phone i just starting thinking...about death....the death of my dream...ever since i had been 11, 12, or 13, i had wanted to be married...i had promised that i would never turn out like my mom and dad, and i would stay married no matter the cost...that i would be there for my kids...that this that that....all of these expectations...and here in that moment i am realizing its gotta go...so i couldn't help but start to cry...and tell god just that i'm tired...i'm sooo tired....of waiting, of hurting....crying out for him to console me...and then i told him...i never want to be married...there it was again...i sat there a while, in a sad, mournful state, willing to give it up...but then i thought that if he wants it to happen, then his will be done...so i said to him, if he wants it so be it, but i don't want to get married...and then i fought...often after we make a commitment to do something, there will be a war for that decision to stand...and for me, it started...i sat there in bed trying to go to sleep and just move on to monday...but after a while i starting to think...i looked over at my pillow and the empty space next to me....many many times i had thought about the joy of having someone next you and also the emptyness of not having someone there who loves you either...this time it was the latter...i took a long, hard, deep look at the pillow/space and starting crying...god, i thought again, i'm so tired of wanting, desiring, longing for marriage and someone who loves me with everything they have, who desires me...thats what you are for, i thought to myself, and then i could feel it slowly fading...as my tears dried, so did my desire for marriage begin to fade...it was scary at first, kind of like knowing you are giving up your future in football when you are 22 years old, at your prime, knowing that you are missing out on a potential hall of fame career, excellent teammates and coaches, a superbowl of two, etc...but i said i want it...no more waiting....let it be finished...and today seemed to be trial test day 1...even walking by someone who is attractive, i know myself...i find them attractive, primarily because they most likely are someone that i could marry...that might not be the surface level thought, but it is the factor that fuels attraction(at least a healthy christian one)...but as soon as it tried to rear its head, it was put down, seemingly not by me, but it was...i thought it kind of weird, as i never had experienced that sort of deal before, but like the purity and looking at women in holiness, it seemed as if the holy spirit was doing it, so i welcomed it...and also my desire towards marriage is gone as well...so here starts a new chapter...and i embrace it with open arms...my past HAS shaped the way i think and feel, but i no longer desire that dream anymore...i hope it stays gone, so i will not be distracted, but if god wills it different then let it be...but really, i don't want to...

Za Eagles....

Thu, 15 Nov 2007 21:46:13 GMT

yea this ain't nothin important...i just really liked the word terminology and stuff and the crucialness of the report on my fav team...i also feel like a 4-5 record of inconsistency is my story right now...why is it that the eagles always seems to mirror my life...when they are 12-4 i am...when they are 6-10 i am too...i don't know but hey...

Why are the Eagles so inconsistent?

Salisbury:The Eagles are a bad mix of young and old players. They don't have enough middle guys who are on their way and can make the big plays at times. That's why they have to rely heavily on Brian Westbrook offensively when he could be so much more explosive if the Eagles had another offensive playmaker for Donovan McNabb, but they simply don't. Because they don't have another playmaker, opposing defenses are able to key in on Westbrook, and if he's not able to beat the coverage, this team is dead in the water.

Allen: This Eagles team doesn't have enough explosive playmakers on offense and defense. This is a defense that has, in the past, prided itself on its ability to pressure the quarterback with exotic blitzes as well as pressure from the front four. That was possible because the secondary could be relied upon to stop the big play from happening. That isn't the case anymore, because the secondary isn't as strong and the front four isn't getting a good enough upfield push.

these two experts hit the spot on the dot...andy reid/management won't get us who we need...so hey...go ahead and fail...cuz thats what they are saying they want to do, trying to succeed with those whom you know cannot get the job done...i said my piece...now peace

oh yea and josh...guess who's back in the nflllllllllll (youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu know)

From Football?

Wed, 26 Sep 2007 23:21:59 GMT

yea i was kinda shocked and ashamed at this...but here it is...enjoy

http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=3036235

the impact of age, race, and gender

Wed, 27 Jun 2007 16:37:42 GMT

not to make everything racist, but i want to put up these posts so that the saints will examine themselves as the heart itself is deceiving...one thing i was reading in my symbols, selves, and social reality class for my social psych class was interesting to me...Anderson points out that even when young black men act in ways that refute or disavow the image or predator, this does little to change public perceptions or public relationships between blacks and whites on th streets. common racist stereotypes persist, and black men who successfully make such disavowals are often seen not as the norm but as the exception, as 'different from the rest' thereby confirming the status of the rest...man thats powerful...and something myself i need to examine to its core in my dealings with others...also the note on modern racism also called symbolic racism was noteworthy...those who hld this type of prejudice stress teh value of equal opportunity and often regard themselves as fervently antiracist. however, they belive that african americans now have eual opportunities and only fail to succeed because they lack motivation, individualism, and deferred gratification. man these lines of thinking are dangerous as are other things...like not believing that we are in a war spirtiually, and that it is ever present...there ain't no time for relaxing jackson, and if you are you need to be sent packing...